9 Gluten-Free Alternatives for a Bread-Free Lifestyle
Substituting Salvation with a Sandwich
SUBSTITUTING SALVATION WITH A SANDWICH
Are you looking for a way to leave your church but can’t come up with a good excuse? Complain about the gluten. For years, many of us have tried to “toughen up” and choke down the Body of Christ like it’s a spiritual obligation. So, here are nine glutenfree alternatives to the Bread of Life that will leave you physically healthy, emotionally fulfilled, and eternally condemned to Hell.
1. Indulge in a big crystal
If bread can’t center you, maybe a fistsized chunk of quartz can. Wear it around your neck like an Olympic champion. Hold it during the day. Whisper your anxieties into it. And remember: if something in your life is going wrong, it’s not your fault; it’s negative energy. Let the crystal absorb it.
2. Give yourself a cry break
Schedule a daily cry in your car or shower and call it selfcare. It releases tension, clears your sinuses, and conveniently distracts you from dealing with anything meaningful.
3. Manifest your fulfillment
Instead of receiving Jesus, close your eyes and manifest spiritual nourishment. Picture a loaf made entirely of light, air, and your own selfconfidence. Consume it with your mind. You aren’t getting what you want? Just think about it more.
4. Keep track of the stars
Look up to the heavens, (not the one with the pearly gates), but the one with the constellations that definitely know more about your life than your Creator does. Let the stars decide your personality, your decisions, and your excuses. Mercury is always in retrograde when you need it to be.
5. Begin feeling “Spiritual”
Light a candle. Burn some sage. Say the word “energy” in a sentence where it doesn’t belong. Feel the holiness of being undefined. Mix a little selfhelp, a little nature worship, and a little “I’m spiritual but not religious,” then pretend it leads to eternal life.
6. Affirm yourself
You don’t need God or gluten. Repeat affirmations like:
“I am enough.”
“My gut is fearfully and wonderfully made.”
“I can do all things without crust.”
7. Indulge in a sweet treat
If you can’t take communion, take a cupcake. Preferably one made of almond flour, coconut sugar, and acts as if it tastes like the real thing. When life feels empty, simply eat something covered in sugar and pretend the rush is emotional healing. Nothing says “I’m fine” like replacing spiritual hunger with a cookie.
8. Download an app
Why rely on a plan laid out for you by your creator when you can rely on a subscription service to generate one?
9. Practice some yoga
When all else fails, lie on the floor with your legs up the wall. Sit very still, breathe very slowly, and pretend that inner peace is the same thing as actual transformation.