How You Date Matters

THREE STEPS TO REWIRE YOUR HEART

Dating well takes courage. If you’re currently dating, or have dated someone in the past, then you likely know from experience that getting to know someone beyond the friend level is both exhilarating and bewildering. Opening yourself up to someone can be dangerous. If it goes well, then the relationship can zoom ahead, but if it doesn’t, suddenly you’re left with a bruised heart or reeling from the knowledge that you’ve injured someone else’s. The dividing line between these two outcomes is messy. However, don’t believe the myth that dating is just a game of volleys until you find the right person, the one. Instead, resolve to date in a way that brings clarity and exposes any excuses you might be hanging onto. To do this, you need Jesus.

MAKE JESUS YOUR #1

If you have ever been in an unhealthy relationship, the kind that promoted isolation and sin, then you know how quickly it can turn ugly. Getting to know someone is a great thing. We’re hardwired for connection, so figuring out who we might be spending the rest of our lives with is only natural. However, when it goes wrong, the convention of dating itself isn’t to be blamed. Instead, you must examine your own heart. This is not a fluffy proposition meant to throw you off the scent of practical steps for dating well. What’s honestly in your heart is the number one indicator displaying whether you’re dating to pursue self or dating to pursue Jesus.

It’s depressing how easy it is to convince ourselves that Jesus is a buzzkill when it comes to romance. If that’s your heart, though, resolve to pull up. Before you give your heart to someone else, start by giving it to Jesus and then keeping it there. This act – devoting yourself to Jesus before someone else – is impossible without the Holy Spirit.1 All the pressure you may be placing on your date to be perfect, always lovable, and 100% committed to you evaporates in the heat of the love that Jesus gives. And unless you’re consumed by Him and living life for Him, your next date will always fail you because they can’t meet the expectations and longings you have. Only Jesus can live up to the hype. But before you go disparaging yourself for having put Jesus on the sidelines during your dating adventures, remember that failure doesn’t disqualify you. It is actually your ticket for restoration if you let Him do the fixing. His love alone can heal the parts of you that you’ve maybe been reluctant to acknowledge need changing. If He can keep track of every bird alive on this planet, He can undoubtedly rearrange your perspective on dating, but your participation is required.2

Another critical principle to hang on to is only to date someone who is also pursuing Jesus. “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Even if you really like someone right now who doesn’t share your beliefs, you are simply setting yourself up for heartbreak later if you ignore this warning because relationships only thrive when they’re growing in the same direction.

FLEE AMBIGUITY AND PREMATURE INTIMACY

There are generally two wildly different approaches to dating. The first is that it’s all about the fun and experiences gained along the way, and the second is that marriage must be the definite end goal for it to be Jesus-approved. Both of these are misguided. Dating carefree can be a distraction from your relationship with Jesus. And if you go into a relationship assuming you will marry the person, you miss the chance to get to know them and see if their walk with Jesus aligns with yours. Instead, as you go down the road of getting to know someone, pray for increasing clarity on where it’s all headed. God’s timing is impeccable, and if you’re listening to His voice for the next steps instead of your impulsiveness, He will guide you there. Believe it or not, if you’re meant to marry someone, God will lead you to the person He has handpicked for you.3

In tandem with this pursuit of clarity, however, must be your determination to avoid any kind of intimacy that would prevent your grandmother from being in the same room as you. Jesus isn’t invested in killing your fun. He’s invested in your best interests, really. “Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18). However, if you’ve already found out the pain of this reality, you can start over: “…Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

ASK FOR HELP

Dating well can’t be done in a vacuum. In addition to your hardcore pursuit of God’s direction, your involvement in a local church has an important role too. Just like nearly anything, we learn best by hearing and watching what others have done before us, and it takes a lot of time and effort. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). If you believe that you have everything under control and you know how dating should be done, you’re pretty much robbing yourself of what could be a beautiful thing. A successfully married Christian couple has a wealth of experiences and advice that will only benefit you if you take the time to ask and observe.

None of this is easy, and it certainly won’t gain you any points with the rest of the world, but if you’re serious about living out your faith in Jesus, then how you date is included in that. Instead of rushing off to catch a thrill and experience the buzz of new love, dating God’s way will let you reap a deep, long-lasting, joyous reward when the time is right. It’s all up to you.