One Girl’s True Story

OVERCOMING DEPRESSION: MY FEAR OF DEATH

I used to be scared of the reality of death and the fairytale of life. When I was in high school, I got scared every time I thought about death. It all started when one of my closest friends died as a teenager. I never expected something like that to happen to someone I was so close to who was my same age. Her death became an eye-opener to me that it doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, young or old. Whether we like it or not, death is real, and we can’t do anything to stop it.

Since losing my friend was the most challenging situation I had ever encountered, I lived in fear from that day on, and it led me down the path of depression. It felt like I was fighting demons in my mind. My greatest enemy wasn’t the people around me, but my own self. I was like a fish that didn’t know how to swim, and I was drowning.

This emotional cancer tortured me for almost two years, and I spent many sleepless nights crying. It wasn’t easy trying to fight it on my own. Trying to fix everything and convincing my mind to stay positive was impossible. I tried to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about it, but it didn’t work. I felt so hopeless and discouraged.

I tried to open up to one of my trusted friends, and I’m glad she listened, but I still couldn’t get rid of the burden I was carrying. It didn’t even ease the pain I felt. One thing I have sincerealized about depression is that in addition to having someone to listen to me, the thing I wanted and needed was someone who understood me. Someone who had also experienced it. Someone who felt the same feelings, the same pain, and the same struggle. I couldn’t find that someone at first.

But then I remembered Jesus. Thinking about Him began to give me hope again because He had experienced the pain I felt about death. He was there in Gethsemane praying before His crucifixion to Abba Father, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass away from me; nevertheless not what I want but, what you want” (Matthew 26:39).

This passage reminded me of my situation. What I was feeling was not new to God. He understood the way I wanted to be heard, noticed, and seen. The comfort I wanted wasn’t found in someone I knew and trusted, or even within myself. I finally found comfort in Him. Jesus also experienced sorrow when He came here to Earth to be human and allow Himself to experience what we humans went through. He gave up His throne in heaven to die for us and to feel every single pain and struggle we have.But the thing is, before He died, His last words were, “It is finished.” Jesus ended the true “death” that I was so scared about, which was the death of suffering in Hell eternally. He finished it through Himself.

By His death, I have overcome the taste of my death. By His love, I became victorious and no longer was enslaved by my fear. By His blood, I have experienced the peace of mind that I’ve wanted, and by His grace, I am who I am now, strong, where formerly I was so fragile and weak.

It might be strange to say, but I’m glad that the enemy attacked my mental health because God opened my eyes to Him through it. He turned my hopeless and impossible situation into living true life.

My test became my greatest testimony, and my mess became my message, and it is all because of what He has done in my life. He is able and faithful to give us breakthroughs and break every chain we have.

-Ruby Mae