Book Review

THESE BOOKS WON’T LIE TO YOU ABOUT SINGLENESS AND SEX.

In a recent conversation, I realized I’ve been single for eight years—the entirety of my twenties, in fact. As the words came out of my mouth, I was startled. Has it really been that long? Yeah, it has been. There have been seasons where I’ve enjoyed and embraced it, then there have been times where I’ve been left asking, “What’s wrong with me?” In those seasons it has been vital to clean off my dusty glasses and gain a clear perspective. 

Two books that have been incredibly helpful are 7 Myths about Singleness and Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? Both are written by Sam Allberry, a pastor, speaker, and writer. As a man who has been single for a number of years, I found him to be relatable, reliable, and witty. These are not like other books on singleness that tend to make marriage—or at least becoming someone marriable—the point. Allberry writes honestly, creatively weaving biblical truth with his own life experiences.

7 MYTHS ABOUT SINGLENESS

Allberry wastes no time or space confronting common misconceptions that circulate through Christian circles regarding singleness: (1) it is too hard, (2) requires a special calling, (3) means no intimacy, (4) means no family, (5) hinders ministry, (6) wastes your sexuality, and (7) is easy. Each chapter confronts the myth from the roots to the branches, carefully combining personal experiences, popular examples, pastoral insights, and scripture throughout. 

Within the first chapter, Allberry reminds us that Jesus was single, and He doesn’t call others to a standard that He didn’t embrace Himself. He confronts the misconception that marriage will complete us, since “He [Jesus] is the most complete and fully human person that ever lived… the moment we claim a life of celibacy to be dehumanizing, we are implying that Jesus himself is only subhuman” (p. 25). 

The reader is continually reminded of the sufficiency of Christ and that “the key to contentment as a single person is not trying to make singleness into something that will satisfy us; it is to find contentment in Christ as a single person” (p. 142). The author reminds his readers that most married people will one day be single again (p. 14) and puts a spotlight on the biblical truth that marriage is for this life only, not for eternity (p. 119). The final chapter points out that we all live with uncertainty: “It’s not a problem of singleness; it’s a problem of life. The only guarantee is that Christ will never leave us or forsake us” (p. 140). 

Although he highlights many benefits of singleness, Allberry does not gloss over the difficulties. In fact, he was brutally honest about his own anxieties and takes no comfort in the struggles of marriage. He stated, “I would choose the lows of singleness over the lows of marriage any day of the week. I think being unhappily married must be so much harder than being unhappily single” (p. 30). 

Allberry ends the book with an appendix that offers practical guidance to avoid sexual sin, as well as hope for those who have given in to sexual temptation. It is the bridge that connects this book to his most recent work, Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?

Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With?

For many, the Christian views on sex—and specifically what the Bible teaches about it—seem outdated at best and legalistic at worst. In his newest book, Allberry seeks to address the issues of sexuality from a biblical standpoint, helping readers—Christian or not—understand God’s design for sexual union.

God cares who we sleep with because he cares deeply about the people who are doing the sleeping.

Far from writing a book that’s out of touch with today’s world, Allberry instead addresses many modern-day issues that revolve around sexuality. He doesn’t shy away from addressing hard topics such as abuse, consent, and homosexuality. In addressing such, he proves that sexuality matters to us all. “If #MeToo has shown us anything, it is that our sexuality matters profoundly. Its violation leads to the deepest emotional and psychological damage, quite apart from the physical scars it leaves” (loc. 90) and “…the pain of sexual assault is not the pain of a grazed knee but the trauma of holy space being desecrated. Maybe our bodies are less like playthings and more like temples.” (loc. 319). 

Critics may chastise Christians for being too restrictive about sexual morals, but Allberry points out that all people—including critics—place restrictions on sexual behavior. He says, “What is distinctive about the Christian understanding of sexual ethics, then, is not the presence of boundaries but where those boundaries are located and for what reason” (loc. 286). For the Christian, the boundaries are coherent and unchanging, whereas the boundaries of our cultural code are constantly changing. 

The heart of the book explains what sex is for. More than just a mere “passage of fluids,” it is a deeply sacred and unifying act (which, by the way, was God’s idea, not ours). Allberry writes, “Sex is God’s appointed way for two people to reciprocally say to one another, ‘I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you’” (loc. 522). He goes on to explain, “sex is fundamentally about giving, and about giving our whole self to someone” (loc. 615). The Bible’s design for sex is not at all prudish. For the Christian, it is deeply sacred, and therefore highly honored. 

The final two chapters tie it all together with an explanation of the bigger and better story behind our sexuality, further explaining why sex is so sacred for the Christian. “God has given us this whole dimension in life—making us sexual beings and giving us this instinct towards lifelong partnership—precisely to point us to the deeper and greater reality of his covenant love for us in Christ” (loc. 1700). 

Allberry carefully walks the reader through the grand story of the Bible—that God has prepared His people, the Church, as a bride for their bridegroom, Jesus Christ. Marriage and romantic fulfillment are just shadows of this greater reality. “We sense there is something profound and meaningful that is meant to be discovered…but rather than seeing it as a sign of something greater, we mistake it for the reality itself” (loc. 1706). 

Ultimately, the pulse that runs through the veins of the entire book is this: “God cares who we sleep with because he cares deeply about the people who are doing the sleeping” (loc. 51).

7 Myths About Singleness is available for purchase from Crossway (crossway.org). Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? can be purchased from The Good Book Company (thegoodbook.com). Both books are available in print or digital formats.