Light & Shadow

Seeing God in the Highs and Lows

Both God and antidepressants found their way into my life at about the same time. When I met Jesus on a February Sunday my sophomore year of college, a series of increasingly diverging paths began. God says to count the cost before we give our lives to Him, and He lays out what it means to do so. Antidepressants, on the other hand, come with hidden fees. 

Discovering antidepressants was, well, too easy. It’s a path I probably never would have gone down if my roommate and best friend at the time hadn’t shared her experience becoming medicated. I found out all I had to do was schedule an appointment at the counseling center on campus, be evaluated, and if the diagnosis fit, I’d be sent to be evaluated for medication at Student Health.  

I found myself, in a mere 24 hours, with a counseling appointment, a positive diagnosis, and prescription SSRI medication paid for through a rushed application to public health assistance, so I didn’t have to ask for money from my parents (or explain to them why I needed it). My treatment plan was supposed to consist of counseling appointments and antidepressants. I was passed from counselor to counselor without any consistency, so appointments felt unhelpful.  

I became frustrated and simply quit going. No one pressed me or followed up as to why I stopped showing up or insisted I needed to do so for my health. When it felt like the medication wasn’t working anymore, my primary doctor simply upped the dose–no further questions asked. There wasn’t exactly a system of checks and balances. If I hadn’t been honest and wanted medication bad enough, I could probably even have gamed the system to get it. My life soon became only ‘the gray area’, with the perceived dangerous depths mostly eliminated, but whatever remaining joy I had quite easily evaporated. I had become functionally numb. 

God, on the other hand, was not easy. Let me explain. Surrendering my life to Christ in and of itself was easy. I looked at the sum of my life, illuminated by God and the Holy Spirit like a flashlight in a derelict barn. Combine that with hearing for the first time what Jesus did for me, and it was easy to say yes to His way instead of mine. It definitely wasn’t simple, however. Of course, I felt a peace and joy that surpassed understanding in a way my constantly churning mind never had before. Then came the testing, choices, and trials that come with flipping the table and surrendering your old life. Close friends and family no longer understood me, and some even objected to my new faith in Jesus. My priorities had to change–priorities that aggressively competed for my time and attention.  

How I wanted my life to be after college changed mid-degree. I was meeting a ton of new people at church and Street Level who wanted to know everything about me and my life so that they could love me as Christ loves. As a pretty selective introvert at the time, it felt incredibly vulnerable, invasive, and inconvenient. I was getting called out, rightfully so, on behaviors I thought were fine until now. People were aggressively and lovingly waving me off the cliff and away from dangers I hadn’t known before – thank God. I was learning a ton, being convicted by a ton, and being blessed a hundredfold before I knew entirely what that meant (not that I’ll ever fully grasp that this side of eternity). Yet, there was that persisting, pervasive numbness that came from the antidepressants doing their own work in me while the Holy Spirit was also prodding me to give Him my mind and emotions instead and let Him do the work God had for my life. Little did I know that while I was trying to grasp temporal earthly solutions that didn’t work, the Great Physician was trying to heal me, as He had been trying to for my whole life. 

This path went on for a long time, and probably much too long if I’m honest. I wrestled with faith and antidepressants through the rest of college, graduation, and the life changes that come with entering the proverbial ‘real world.’ God used COVID-19 to finally force my hand–at least, that’s how I understand it in reflection. Through a series of events out of my control and a worldwide pandemic, not only was I unable to get my antidepressants, but there was a shortage of the medication entirely. I took my last pill as I felt the firm prodding of the Holy Spirit to give it up, eyes shifting between the empty orange bottle and my fearful face in the mirror. 

I’ll start by saying, don’t do what I did. Quitting antidepressants cold turkey is not medically advised, and it’s one thing I would have done differently if I’d have been able to do it properly. Instead, I experienced one of the hardest periods of my life yet. COVID-19 was hard for everyone, and I certainly don’t take that for granted, but I had to lean on the crutch of Christ in a way I never had before. For the first time in seven years, I started to experience emotions, the highs and lows, and much more aggressively so.  

Simultaneously, in the period of a few years, I suddenly lost two family members, flipped my car, had a missions trip cancelled, was laid up with a broken ankle, got COVID-19 early in its run, spent a lot of time alone isolated in my apartment, and suffered the side effects of quitting antidepressants instead of tapering off. It was sheer emotional whiplash that should have knocked me clear out, but every time the rollercoaster climbed before another sudden drop, I looked over, and Jesus was there.  

Not only that, but my church community was there too when I finally opened up to them. I learned the old adage that says God doesn’t give you more than you can handle was not true. However, God will go with you when you’re going through more than you can handle, which I would argue is far superior.  

Emotions are fickle, and they were never meant to be our guide. They are an unreliable compass to cast our trust in, and “they cannot dictate the content of right or wrong; they are witnesses to what a person has already determined is right or wrong”, as my Pastor once explained. I won’t pretend to be an expert on it all, but I can tell you this from my personal experience with antidepressants: stifling suffering, whether it be through comforts, mood-altering medication, avoiding pain, or thinking you can build a life so you can never be hurt is detrimental to you. God’s purpose in emotions and suffering is to draw us near to Him and to make us more like His Son. God calls us to feel.  

Here’s just a smattering of verses that talk about such, thanks in part to a book of God’s promises I keep beside my bed: 

So we do not lose heart…For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. 2 Corinthians 4:16–17 

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses…for whenever I am weak, He is strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9,10 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 (The ‘through’ part is essential). 

I wish I could tell you whether antidepressants are right for you in your circumstance, but that’s between you, your physician, and hopefully the Great Physician. For me, dropping antidepressants was the second time I truly found myself, in a way, by putting myself aside altogether. In reality, I more deeply found Christ, who gave me a new identity and showed me the desires of my heart, better than I ever could. He suffers with me, because He suffered most greatly for my sake – and yours. 

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows; But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:3-5