Build-A-Bible

CHURCH LAUNCHES INNOVATIVE STORE OFFERING A CHANCE TO GIVE THE GOSPEL A GLOW-UP

JERUSALEM – The Church of Our Changing Lord has unveiled its latest initiative: the Build-A-Bible store, a new concept designed to allow parishioners to create personalized versions of the Bible tailored to their individual beliefs and preferences.   

The store offers visitors a wide range of covers at very competitive prices. Classic choices such as navy blue, a leathery black, and striking red are available, as well as less conventional designs such as patriotic flags and many colored rainbows. Simon, a frequent customer and amateur magician, had this to say about his cover choice. “I felt that paying a little extra to get a picture of myself on the front and back was well worth it. I mean, who else would I rather look at?”  

Once the exterior is chosen, customers are invited to personalize the contents of their Bible. Build-A-Bible allows individuals to rearrange, highlight, or even remove sections of scripture. Some opt for condensed versions that omit challenging passages, like the idea of sin, repentance, or the entire Old Testament. Others emphasize certain themes or add new messages of their own. At Build-A-Bible, all dogs go to heaven.  

In addition to biblical text, the store encourages the inclusion of quotations from contemporary figures and authors. Examples range from the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi and Joseph Smith to the whimsical rhymes of Dr. Seuss, blending traditional religious content with modern voices. An employee, who preferred to remain nameless, offered us this insight: “Nowhere in the Bible does it say it needs to be boring. Or at least nowhere in my Bible.”   

The customization experience concludes with an interactive feature: each Bible can be enchanted to repeat a chosen affirmation when opened. Suggested phrases include, “I am enough, just as I am,” and “I trust in my own judgment and choices; I am the authority in my life.” Organizers say this element is intended to provide encouragement and a sense of empowerment to readers that traditional Bibles just can’t provide.   

Church leaders describe the Build-A-Bible store as a way to make faith more accessible and personally curated. “We don’t just want people to feel ownership of their spiritual journey,” Saul, a pastor at Our Changing Lord, explained, “We want them to really know they can do whatever they want.”   

At publishing time, the number of customized Bibles sold has nearly surpassed the original Bible’s lofty 7 billion. Owners prepare to expand the franchise as word spreads, noting that several visitors expressed plans to return to their original church and “help them get with the times.”   

Update: Build-A-Bible was deemed heretical and shut down by the greater church. Although including “Salvation Not Included” in small print on every one of their covers, the fabricated Bibles remained controversial, with critics calling it a dangerous distortion of the sacred text. In the aftermath, experts recommend going back to simply ignoring the parts you don’t like.