Learning How to Talk Again

THE LOST ART OF CIVIL DEBATE

No one seems to understand what an actual debate is anymore and it’s because they’ve become rare to see. Though before defining what a debate is, let’s talk about what it’s not. A debate is not dropping a comment on a post that triggers an entire sect of the internet, nor is it a one-sided yelling match like the ones you see at protests. A debate is not being the loudest person in the room, nor is it insults voiced through a mic at an interview. That is the kind of communication that we see more often than an actual constructive conversation on a topic with opposing views.

The underlying common factor in the scenarios listed is a lack of dignity, along with an overdose of pride. Nowadays, people want to be heard, yet no one wants to listen. This gets no one anywhere, and only further separates an already divided nation. We’ve talked about what a debate is not, now let’s talk about what it is, starting with its key ingredient: dignity.

REPRESENTING MORE THAN OURSELVES

Dignity is, “the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect” according to Oxford Languages. As Christians, we are taught to, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”¹ We are supposed to speak with graceful intentionality, keeping in mind how we are not only representing ourselves, but Christ.

When having a rather triggering conversation with someone, especially if they are not of the same faith, we have to bear this in mind so we don’t let our tongues get us into unnecessary trouble. Proverbs wisely explains why: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”² Stirring up anger is not productive towards anything. Instead, it stops our ability to build relationships with those we are called to love. This is real tolerance. That is, being able to tolerate difficult conversations or experiences with others long enough to cultivate a meaningful relationship despite differences.

On the more practical side, avoiding challenging conversation limits people’s ability to understand if they are wrong about something, or gain further insight into why they may be right. Or, it could prevent people from discovering a different solution altogether! Gathering all sides to a story, no matter how much patience it takes, does more than just help each person feel heard. It allows truth and context to be further uncovered by nabbing pieces of it through all the different perspectives that are presented.

THE COST OF NONSENSE OFFENSE

A few years back, a professor at the University of Illinois gave an exam in his Civil Procedures II course.³ On the exam, he wrote a question that had two redacted (meaning not spelled out) racial slurs from a hypothetical court case. The entire question was posed in a way to show what an actual case could look like. However, despite the care taken to ensure the students knew the question was strictly for educational purposes, a student was offended and got the professor barred from campus, where he could no longer attend university events or even speak to his former colleagues and students.

The result of this verdict does not just fall on the student, but also on a justice system too afraid to cause a stir. It is extreme cases like this that prove how important it is to learn how to tolerate mature topics that could be offensive. How far does censorship have to go to avoid offending anyone? How many students lost out on the opportunity to learn from a professor who knows what happens in an actual courtroom? The moral of the story is that the inability to read the room and keep one’s head about oneself could cost others essential education and even their livelihood.

Stirring up anger is not productive towards anything. Instead, it stops our ability to build relationships with those we are called to love.

LEARNING TO TALK AGAIN

The key to having constructive, educational conversations is to start with a heart of humility. Asking yourself, “What can I learn from this person?” is a great start. Going further into that as Christians, remember that we are to, “put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.”⁴ We must speak with grace to show the love we are called to give and to better represent Jesus.

Another tip is to be patient and allow people to share their side of the story, their entire story, and not interrupt. This goes along with being a good listener. Paying attention to what the person is saying is where personal learning and growth happen. Consider this when listening, does the information give you a firmer stance on the hill you’ve prepared to die on, or does it actually prompt you to step off of it? 

Learning how to cultivate challenging conversations in everyday life is critical for individual, societal, and spiritual development. It may be uncomfortable at the moment, but the more dignity is implemented into these conversations, the more real tolerance can be applied so honest love can be shared. You can practice this at work, school, church, etc. because tough conversations don’t have to cause a scene. They can instead be taken as opportunities to maintain manners, learn about a new perspective, and extend empathy towards a person you do not agree with.

¹ Ephesians 4:29

² Proverbs 15:1

³ thefire.org/news/lawsuit-professor-suspended-redacted-slurs-law-school-exam-sues-university-illinois-chicago

⁴ Colossians 3:8