A Moth To The Flame

FROM DRUGS AND SUICIDE TO A NEW LIFE IN CHRIST

Looking back on when I arrived to my first year of college, I was so ready. Not to learn, but to be “free.” I thought I wanted to be in school, but I suppose that I was just tired of living at home with my parents and their rules. I knew better than them after all, didn’t I?

I quickly caught on to the party scene at school where I began to experiment with new substances. I trusted the people around me who would recommend new drugs to try, and eventually I began to crave the temporary releases that exhaling smoke would give me. I thought that the psychedelics I consumed would open my mind and solve all my problems. This is where it all went wrong. Terribly wrong.

Within my second month of college, I tried LSD for the first time. As an artist, I was thrilled by the fun colors and moving textures that I’d see while I was “tripping,” which I’d describe as being similar to the style of a Van Gogh painting. I felt artistically “awakened” whenever I would create art while under the influence of LSD, and eventually, MDMA, magic mushrooms, as well as marijuana. My artistic thoughts and creations were always so different from anything I could create when I was sober, and I constantly longed to be in this state of creative enlightenment.

When COVID hit in 2020 and everything went virtual, my boredom trapped me into a loop where I’d trip at least once a month (sometimes weekly) so that I could “open my mind” and express myself through art or writing. I continued this cycle for months until I took too many psychedelics one day and all my fears and anxieties confronted me head on. This experience shattered who I was in a single day, and I haven’t been the same since.

My newfound freedom quickly became a prison of severe anxiety, which I was trapped in for almost over three years. I didn’t realize how lost I truly was. I was like a moth to a flame, and I nearly flew into the fire. Right as I was about to enter the fire, something changed.

“I thought that the psychedelics I consumed would open my mind and solve all my problems. This is where it all went wrong. Terribly wrong.”

It was almost as if I was walking through a dense fog within my mind, and I couldn’t imagine or even hope for a future anymore. I was going to kill myself, but then an area of the fog cleared up. Something, no someone, quietly told me that it wouldn’t end for me here. I began to cry. I chose life that day. Only now I’ve realized that it was God who pulled me away from the fire—ever so patiently pulling me back to Him.

After hospitalizing myself and going to a life-changing therapy program, I began to seek out and find the good things in life. It was trial and error, but this time the errors always led me into a better direction than before. Eventually, a year after my hospitalization, I realized that the path I had been on for so long wasn’t the one I wanted to be on anymore, so I made the difficult decision to leave a three year relationship behind. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

Shortly after my breakup, I was on the phone with my sister and Jesus got brought up in our conversation. I told her that I was interested in learning about Him again. I had no clue about my interest in God until I said it out loud. I wanted to be shocked by my decision, but in my heart I was ready. God must’ve known I was ready and wanted me to know it for myself too.

This is when I began reading the Bible again. Soon after talking to my sister, I texted my dad asking him about which book of the Bible would be best to start in, but I made sure to clarify that I was “asking for a friend.” He was not so easily tricked; he knew that the friend was me. With his suggestion, I started reading the gospel of John.

Reading through the book of John, I learned that God has so much love for us, but I had trouble wrapping my head around why. From previous friendships and relationships, I had become so used to conditional human love. A love where you give, then you—maybe—get some back. But, that love could end in an instant if you do something wrong.

I had the expectation that God must have the same conditional love, yet He came to earth as a human—who would experience the same pain and suffering as we do—all just so that He could love us, serve us, and sacrifice Himself for us so that we may be with Him forever. Talk about real love! I never experienced so much love from someone, and God’s love was so overwhelming that I didn’t know what to do with it all when it first started pouring in.

God’s timing is so perfect, and He came into my life exactly when I needed Him. I started back in school after a year off with the heaviest course load I’ve done in my whole college experience, went through a breakup almost immediately at the start of the semester, became involved with an amazing church multiple times a week, moved into a new house, and on top of it all I worked every weeknight and often struggled to get enough sleep—an experience where the weight of it all would’ve completely crushed the old me before I was saved by Jesus.

While I cannot say this semester was a cakewalk, God guided me through every single moment—the highs and the lows—and I can hardly express in words how grateful I am for the Lord and His guidance. I’ve learned that He never has and never will leave me, and He will give me peace and comfort in any moment of my life when I come to Him.

A verse that really stuck with me at the beginning of my relationship with Christ was Psalm 48:14, “For this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end.” It served as a helpful reminder that the Lord will always be my guide when I follow Him. No matter the situation, He is with me and showing me the way—His way.

Every day I learn something new about God and about who I am to Him, and it’s been a beautiful journey of growth and reshaping myself to be more like Jesus Christ. I’m so thankful for everything the Lord has done, all to eventually lead me back to His eternal love and overwhelming grace. Even in the lowest lows of my life, He stood by me, patiently guiding me back home.

As I conclude, I am filled with such joy reflecting on all of the wonderful ways that the Lord has saved me. He is truly the path to life and love. Nothing in my life has brought me as much peace, joy, comfort, happiness, growth, and love as Jesus has brought me. As my parents would say… “Thumbs up for Jesus!”

See you next year!

~Daphne

Daphne is a student from Street Level Ministries in Menomonie, WI