Depression Doesn’t Have to be Who You Are

I THOUGHT I WOULD BE THIS SAD GIRL FOREVER

I used to believe that there was no way I would ever feel happy again—not just feel happy—but to feel anything other than the constant, sad, dull ache that engulfed every waking moment. Nothing seemed to help: doing what was right by taking the lovely assortment of capsules and tablets and visiting a team of medical professionals every single week, and on the other end, doing what wasn’t right by obsessing over my weight and food and using razors in ways they were not intended. Nothing ever worked. You get sucked into this black hole that goes further down with each passing day. You get stuck in your head no matter what you’re doing or who you are with. I used to think that was life. I was going to be this sad girl forever. That was until God proved me so wrong.

There was a time when people I met would casually ask what I did for fun or what things I enjoyed. That question was dreadful. What did I do in my free time? What did I enjoy? If I was honest they would’ve realized how twisted I was. My life revolved around my mental state and trying to patch up the crumbling bits. But it seemed to be crumbling faster than I could fix it. It wasn’t until someone was able to put it so plainly that I even thought about what was happening to me. It was the fact that even self-hatred is self-focus. Let that sink in for a minute. How could I be self-absorbed or self-focused? I hated life. I hated myself so much I wanted to die on a regular basis. I didn’t deprive myself of food or cry myself to sleep because I loved myself. Yet, at the same time, if you really think about it, you have to be so focused on yourself in order to see how much you hate yourself. The only way out of that is to focus on others and to focus on God.

Christ gives two commandments in Matthew 22. The first is to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. The second is to love others as you love yourself. He’s not telling us to learn to love ourselves, we already do a good enough job on our own. Despite the increasing talk of mental health days and self-care and self-love, we really do take care of ourselves. We make sure we are dressed and fed, and we give ourselves time when things are rough. We make sure we stay hydrated, and we find ways to comfort ourselves whether good or bad. What He is telling us is that He knows we love ourselves, more than we even realize, so we should be loving others with that same amount of love. And loving Him above it all.

We can’t fix ourselves—whether you take a good route or bad one—you cannot do it. Yet He can.

When we are able to turn our focus to other people and to Christ, He really does begin to change us. Using all that energy I put into hating myself and being willing to use it to love other people, I no longer loathe the question about what I do in my free time or who I am or what I enjoy. I no longer think of myself as the sad girl because I’m not anymore. God has given me a new life. I can genuinely find enjoyment in so many things and real friends who are willing to bear my burdens and love me even when they see how nasty I am inside. Don’t get me wrong, I do still have days when my thoughts start to dim and my mind shuts off, and I feel the slow, steady spiral down.

Depression is such a drain in so many ways, and unfortunately, when you are really struggling with it, you aren’t able to flip the switch and turn it off. But you also don’t have to be stuck in it either. It’s not that you’re back into that hole, but it’s where you go from there. Do you turn back to the darkness, or do you look towards Him?

It’s not like when you go to Him you’ll be cured in an instant. You shouldn’t expect that He’ll make you all better the first time you pray or talk to him—you’ll be disappointed. But go to Him and cry out. Tell Him that you are in such deep pain, and you want to die, and you have no clue what you’re doing. He is there. He is waiting for us to go to Him instead of trying to fix it ourselves. We can’t fix ourselves—whether you take a good route or bad one—you cannot do it. Yet He can. Your brokenness is not too broken for Christ.