The Hard Work of Good Friendship

WHAT IS A GOOD FRIEND?

Frankenstein once said, “Alone, bad. Friend, good.”¹ We all want a friend in our corner, but what does it mean to be a good friend? Do a quick Google search, and you’ll find our culture’s take on the subject: “Good friends don’t let you do stupid things…alone,” “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are,” “Friends are the people who make you smile brighter, laugh louder, and live better.” We tend to believe that the best friendships are found in that elusive person who makes you feel good, does fun things with you, and doesn’t confront you with anything uncomfortable.

God has a much different definition of friendship that He lays out clearly in the Bible. He says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (ESV, Proverbs 27:6). A true friend will wound you – yes, hurt you – when it’s the best thing for you. Yes, a good friend will also provide enjoyment and companionship, but it’s not always so rosy. That’s because a real friend cares most about God’s will being done in you and through you. Consider the second half of that verse, “…profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” A person who conceals truth just to maintain peace is actually against you and actively working for your harm. When we choose friends who are always encouraging us and are never brave enough to gouge us with the truth, we surround ourselves with enemies. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a mid-20th century theologian, put it well when he said, “Nothing can be more cruel than the leniency which abandons others to their sin. Nothing can be more compassionate than the severe reprimand which calls another Christian in one’s community back from the path of sin.”²

God not only tells us what it means to be a good friend, but He also came down here and became that Friend to us all. God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to be our ultimate Friend. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times…” So, a true friend never withholds love. Jesus clarified what love is by proclaiming, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends …” (John 15:13). After living as the example of a perfect friend, Jesus died at the hands of the very people He came to befriend. He intentionally laid down His life so their sins could be forgiven. He loved us by telling us the miserable truth about our sin, remaining faithful to God when it didn’t feel good, and training us to do the same.

A true friend will wound you – yes, hurt you – when it’s the best thing for you.

THE INFLUENCING ROLE OF FRIENDSHIP

Have you ever had a conversation with someone with an accent, only to unintentionally imitate it back to them? Have you ever bought a piece of clothing because you saw someone wearing it? If so, you’re doing what we all do: mirroring those around us. If we do this with strangers, how much more likely are we to become like those tightly woven into our lives through close friendship?

You’ve heard the phrase, “Bad company corrupts good character.” That’s actually from the Bible, but most pull quotes leave out the first part. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals.” We’re warned not to be deceived, hoodwinked, bamboozled … you get the idea. That very warning insinuates we are gullible enough to believe we can run with “bad company” and remain immune to its influence. Maybe you’ve said those famous last words, “I would never [insert disapproved activity here],” only to end up doing that unfortunate thing later. Be honest did it have anything to do with those around you?

God has much to say about the principle of imitation and the weight it carries for either a positive or negative influence. For example, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). Friends can sharpen us by exposing and cutting away character traits or habits in our lives that dull our obedience to God. But Proverbs 22:24-25 warns, “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” So there you have it: if you hang out with angry people, you’ll inevitably find yourself worked up about something you didn’t care about before. For better or worse, you’re not above the influence of your friends. Do not be deceived.

CHOOSING GOOD FRIENDS

Since we know friendship is important to God, how do we choose healthy friends? Our answer is found in 2 Corinthians 6:14, which says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” For the Christian, our closest friends will be other Christians. Yes, you’ll have acquaintances at work or school, but the people you share your most agonizing struggles and deepest joys with, the ones you go to for advice and comfort, will be those who also love Jesus. C.S. Lewis wrote, “True friends don’t spend time gazing into each other’s eyes. They may show great tenderness towards each other but they face in the same direction toward common projects, goals all, towards a common Lord.”³

If you want to find a good friend:

1. Look for someone who lives like Jesus.

2. Immerse yourself in a church with people who obey God.

3. Do the same yourself.

Since we become like those we befriend, surround yourself with those worth imitating. Take a moment to consider where your current path ends: who will you become if you follow your friends?

¹ The Bride of Frankenstein . Directed by James Whale, Universal Pictures, 1935.

² Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community. HarperCollins, 1954.

³ “C.S. Lewis Quotes.” Goodreads. 2022, goodreads.com/author/quotes/1069006.C_S_Lewis?page=36