One Girl’s True Story
FROM DWELLING IN SECRECY TO BEING REVEALED
Hide-and-seek was one of my favorite games as a kid, but I still hid from people as I grew up. I dodged behind good things like being a decent daughter, going to church, and generally doing the “right” thing. However, I didn’t want to follow God as much as I wanted to control my own life. I wanted to do whatever sounded good to me. In my heart, I wanted to travel, have a career, make money, be entertained, and have good relationships, but no one found me out. At least that’s what I thought. I put on the attitude of a “good” person so that others would see me that way. I felt guilty because I knew deep down that I wasn’t a good person. I prayed, read the Bible, and memorized verses, but I still felt separated from God. Eventually, I gave up looking for God. I just started to do what I wanted by convincing myself that God could use my entertainment, job, family, and friends if He wanted to. I even felt better than other people because my life looked cleaner and more put together than theirs.
Throughout high school and into the first year of college, my sin ate at me from the inside. I secretly struggled with pornography, perfectionism, lying, and binge eating, among other things. I tried to lie and cover it all up by deleting my browser history and saying the right things. I was terrified of someone discovering that I was sinful. Instead of trying to get help, I covered it up and isolated myself. I looked like the perfect Christian on the outside, but on the inside, I was rotting.
“One day while driving to work, I realized that I had to choose: live for God or for me.”
One day while driving to work, I realized that I had to choose: live for God or for me. I realized that God loves me so much that He wanted a relationship with me, even though He saw my secret life and was grieved to watch me try to live life apart from Him. Jesus died and rose again so that I could stand before God blameless under the sacrifice of His Son Jesus. I wanted to allow God to control my life, but I realized I never could on my own. I didn’t know what to do, but I prayed and asked God to show me. I started by confessing to a friend and joining a Bible study to get help and accountability. I started reading the Bible and learning more about who God is and what He is asking me to do.
Over the next year, I transferred to UW-Stout from home and moved to Menomonie, Wisconsin. Moving away felt like a new beginning. I started going to church regularly and found Street Level Ministries. I thought I was a good Christian before, but I began to see what I was lacking through interacting with other Christians and reading the Bible. My life felt messier and more complicated than before because I started to realize how much sin was in my life. The closer I got to God, the more I realized my need for Him. I began to understand that I needed God to save me, and after that, I needed Him to continue saving me.
I still struggle to keep God at the center of my life and against sin and temptation, but now He helps and guides me. God asks me to give up my pride, porn, laziness, selfishness, and self-pity. God asked me to start reading His Word daily, serving with a local church and sharing my relationship with God and testimony with others. I stopped trying to control the way my life would go and let God shape it. God is transforming my mind and forming me into the woman He created me to be (Romans 12:2). I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
– Shiloh