One Girl’s True Story

ASKING GOD TO TRADE YOUR “WHY ME’S” FOR “USE ME’S”

This testimony is from Lita, a member of Street Level Ministries Twin Ports (Duluth, Minnesota and Superior, Wisconsin) 

Do you ever feel guilty for asking God, “Why me?” Have you ever wished you were dealt the cards of a more happy-go-lucky life? I know I have. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, I spent much of my childhood years stuck in a whirlwind of sadness, confusion, and bitterness. 

To say that it was hard or sad to have a front row seat in witnessing my gentle, loving father succumb to the addictive grip of alcohol would be a gross understatement. The guilty acknowledgement that consumed me when I began to dislike being in the same room as the man who used to pray at my bedside every night was unbearable. Gradually, his nighttime prayers were traded for nighttime drunkenness, and my family was never the same. 

When my parents divorced and my father’s alcoholism raged on, I was forced to accept the horrific reality that I had no control over the situation. At a loss, I combatted the discomfort of my helpless state the only way I knew how: with food. For much of elementary and middle school, my eating habits were ridiculously unhealthy. As young as six years old, I hated what I saw in the mirror. 

I battled my self-loathing with a profound devotion to reading, TV shows, and music, all of which helped me to escape my bleak reality. Meanwhile, deep down nestled an insatiable and ashamed desire to be “good enough” in all that I did, and according to my standards, I always fell short. I wondered why God made me this way and allowed my circumstances to be so grim. 

But little by little, I made some positive changes. When I began high school, I became physically active, adopted healthier eating habits, and further developed my love for music and Jesus. For the first time ever, everything seemed to be going my way. Everything except the reality of my father’s declining health. 

I dwelled a lot on my regrets, but I finally came to accept the truth: God is not abusive. He took no pleasure in my pain.

I don’t clearly recall a lot from the last few times I spent with him, but then came the night that I learned he was found dead and alone in his home, and I won’t soon forget that. I thought I knew regret before that November evening in 2015. “Why had I pushed him away?” “Why hadn’t I been more loving and understanding throughout his addiction?” “Why me?” 

I dwelled a lot on my regrets, but I finally came to accept the truth: God is not abusive. He took no pleasure in my pain; instead, He was patiently waiting for me to come running into His arms, much like how a daughter comes to her father! 

It was in my anger that I began to lean on the truth that God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for someone as broken as me, so that my sins may be forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t usually easy, but that’s why God says we can ask Him for the strength to forgive. After surrendering my grudges to the Lord, I can finally say that, almost five years after my father’s death, I decided to visit his grave and say aloud, “I forgive you.” 

I spent so many years asking God, “Why me?” that I never took the time to thank Him for using my circumstances as a way to bring me closer to Him. Now, I long to help others who are experiencing trials like the ones I have been through. That is why I have been asking God to help trade my “why me’s” for “use me’s.” 

-LITA